Closed-minded adults were harmed during the making of this website.

An Interview With Paris Hilton
Paris Hilton speaks to plainly ranting about her latest career move and publicity stunt. And the bitch is going to jail, too!

The Convenience Of Truth
Al Gore's "An Inconvenient Truth" is a damned dirty political lie.

The Asshole Of The World
When has the Middle East not been unstable?

Night Of The Living Thoughts!
I've got to lay off the ale.

You Are An Insignificant Dust Speck
If you think you're somehow important, this should put everything into perspective.

The Last Load (Bonus Article)
No gags here. An accurate account of an accident that should've killed me. I didn't get a scratch.

Good Ol' Wal-Mart
Low prices, low wages, low I.Q.'s.

All I Ever Needed To Know I Learned In College
A working man's observations on college life.

Steve Irwin, 1962 - 2006
Steve Irwin finally died on camera. This is why I don't think anyone was surprised.

The Incredible Shrinking Thoughts!
This is more of what happens when I get drunk and start thinking about things most people never bother to.

Computerz R 4 Samrt Ppl!!!!1
Computers, their users, and why I hate them all.

Our Scams Have Detected SPYWARE On YOUR COMPUTER!
Why I want to dunk spyware mongers into a vat of boiling lead face first.

***QUIZ*** What Kind Of Shallow Co-Dependant Are You?
Ooh! A test! On Plainly Ranting! *bleagh!*

You're Not African-American Already!
Did you know that most racists aren't even aware that they're assholes?

Attack Of The 50 Foot Thoughts!
More "Thoughts!" goodness! Ale is good I tell ya!

Demi, Semi, Quasi, Hemi
Mindless prefix association.

Water You Kidding Me?
A concise, exhaustive, double-blind, and completely unscientific discourse on why bottled water lunatics need to have their plastic bottles shoved up their asses.

I Am Man
Fucking GRRR!

The Tabloid News
. . . and other things to make your eyes bleed at the checkout counter.

Bride Of Thoughts!
Wow! How do these folks make a profit on this stuff at $15 a quart?

The End Of Democracy
The internet is threatened by privatization.

Fuck Diamonds!
They're just rocks for shit's sake.

25 More Things David Blaine Could Do
C'mon Darwin, do your stuff!

The Arrogance Of Species -OR- Why Environmentalists Are Completely Full Of Shit
The sky is not falling, but you've sure been lied to about it! What critical thinking says about the environment and why it's time to start holding people's feet to the fire who claim it's all exploding.

Don't Listen To Me
Who'd have thought I could bitch and be so polite about it?

It Came From Thoughts!
Mmm! Ale! This was a good week!

Beat Your Kids!
Hey, it worked for me.

Slick Bastards
You'd think the petrolium companies would at least use some of their own lube before giving it to you in the ass.

A.D.D. my A.S.S.
Just beat the shit out of your hyperactive brats and stop drugging them.

An Open Letter To The Bail-Bondsmen Of America
A friendly open letter to the wonderful Bail-Bondsman clique. Plainly Ranting style.

Thoughts! Returns
Take me drunk! I'm home!

Top Ten My Ass
I don't think that it ever occured to most people that the lists they read in magazines were written by schmucks just like them.

What's So Great About Linux?
What is the most overrated, underdeveloped, and incomplete operating system on the market today? Come find out!

13 Words and Phrases That Should Be Stricken From Language
If you've ever needed a good reason to hate people, here it is.

Grandma Turismo
You know, maybe it's just a little too easy to get a driver's license in this country . . .

Son of: Thoughts!
Holy fuck! Another one! Praise be to Ale!

The Truth About Cell Phones
A few items that the cell phone companies would rather you not think to hard about.

Allah-Bout Cartoons
The United States can't win for losing. We're hated so much that we get pissed on for things we didn't even do!

Mexico Sucks
Why are we off halfway around the world fighting in a desert when we have plenty of brown people right here at home we could be making craters out of?

Politically Incorrect
Things that everybody is thinking, but are afraid to say because of the thought police.

More Thoughts
Well what do you know?!? I've found my ass with both hands!

A Fairy Tale
A nice children's story about telephones, telemarketers, and debt collection agencies. . . . and blowjobs. Can't forget the blowjobs.